Dear Mr. Capitalism,
My name is LeBron and I need some serious advice. The thing is, no matter how much money I make, I just can’t seem to be happy. I mean, I have lots of friends, but I get the feeling that they might just be hanging around me because of all the things I have, instead of wanting to get to know the real LeBron.
I am worth $110,000,000, or so Forbes magazine says, I don’t even really know anymore—that’s what accountants are for, you know what I’m sayin’, Mr.Capitalism? I’m also averaging 27, 8 and 7, but I still feel empty inside. Even winning the championship last year didn’t make me feel better. I mean, sure the parties and the parade were fun, but afterwards it was just me, all alone, standing in one of my 37 bathrooms, staring into the mirror, and thinking ‘Is it all worth it?’
The other night I had 16 assists, you know, just to share with my teammates so that maybe they would like me more, but it didn’t work. After the game, Dwyane and Chris and Udonis went out like always, but they didn’t invite me. They even asked Jarvis Varnado to go out with them, and I didn’t even know he was on the team!
I’m starting to think that maybe I should give the whole thing up, forfeit my salary and endorsements, and use the money that I already have to work with kids in Asia or Africa. Perhaps I could teach them a bit about basketball, but I would rather focus on showing them that true friendship is more important than all the cash in the world. I mean, what’s the good in having 120-foot billboards of yourself plastered all over world, when you don’t have anyone to snuggle with at night or share your secrets?
Thanks for being there for me, Mr.Capitalism, I really need to hear back from you on this one . . . I’m ever so lonely.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, LeBron, let’s not get all crazy. Just take a deep breath, and repeat after me:
‘The only friends worth having are those who love me mostly for my money.’
The important thing about keeping leeches like this around you is that you know why they’re there, and that way you can control them! If they want to share in your wealth so much, order them around like slaves, that’ll make you feel better. These kinds of people also keep you on your toes, because if they start to disappear, then you know that something must be wrong, so you have to work harder!
The solution is to go out and do what I do when I have a tough day at the office: throw money around! Go to a restaurant where they charge $500 for a plate of food, just so you can look down upon everybody you walk by on the street. Then, go to a club, raise hell until they put you in the VIP section, order fifty bottles of whatever is the most expensive, and then send them to all the most beautiful people in the bar. You’ll have friends in no time.
LeBron, the name of the game is growth. Perpetual growth. So what that you’re worth $110M!? That’s barely a tenth of a billion! If you don’t make more than that this year, then you are a total failure.
You’re a commodity. A brand. Act like one. Helping kids in poor countries? How the hell is that going to increase your net worth? (unless, you go out there to recruit them for the local sweatshops that make all the clothing that has your name on it . . . hmm, I’m gonna run some numbers and get back to you on that one, this could be a good idea after all.)
It’s going to be okay, my friend, if you just make a little bit more in 2013 than you did in 2012, then you’re going to be more popular, I promise.
(*PS, thanks for including the tickets with the letter, but the Bobcats? Really? Can’t you get me Lakers tickets or something, Kobe and I haven’t hung out in weeks.)