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Atmosphere’s Letter

Dear Mr.Capitalism,

Hello my old “friend,” this is the Atmosphere here. Now, Capitalism, I know you are an avid devotee of aerology and all, but you seem to have forgotten some of its tenets, since you don’t respect all the important things I do so you can survive (you know, absorbing UV rays, keeping greenhouse gases balanced so that they heat the Earth instead of melting it etc.) You recognize, of course, that without me, you wouldn’t exist, right? How exactly do you plan to run your businesses and monitor your shady trade deals when the world’s population is in steep decline? I hate to lower myself to your level, but don’t you want to have more citizens because they represent more consumers? Don’t you have to start spending some money on the future?

To wit, in the last year, you and and your cronies have spent something in the neighborhood of $13 Trillion dollars on fossil fuel extraction and production, while spending less than $12 Billion on renewable resource technology. Doesn’t that strike you as odd? Aren’t you supposed to be all innovative and ever-changing? If this was true, how come so much money is being poured into guaranteed-to-deplete projects like the Tar Sands in Alberta?—This one really sucks by the way, my ozone has been aching ever since you started pumping stuff out of there, I think I need to go to the doctor. Oy.

I know you like numbers, so here’s a few more: in the United States alone there are 150 oil refineries, 4000 offshore platforms, 160,000 miles of oil pipelines, facilities to handle more than 15 million barrels per day in imports and exports, 10,400 fossil fuel consuming power plants, 410 underground gas storage fields and 1.4 million miles of gas pipelines. That’s a lot of stuff, can we agree? And all of this is expanding rather than contracting in the face of overwhelming evidence that the first thing our global economies (which are ALL run by you) need to do is to begin to look for alternatives. Oh yeah, and how about the fact that 9 out of 10 “scientists” in the US that deny global warming are on the payrolls of either ExxonMobil or Koch industries?

I await your even-handed and well though out response.



Dear Atmosphere,

 Why do all these hippies keep writing in to me? I’m so tired of you left-wing pinkos and your mumbo-jumbo.

Listen homeslice, everyone know that so-called ‘Global Warming’ is actually just a massive hoax to: create a world government run by hippies and commies, line the pockets of the most diabolical and wealthy group of people on the planet: environmental scientists, destroy America as we know it, ruin God’s divine plan, and take away my control of the world’s money and place it into the hands of a bunch of Atmosphere-loving bureaucrats!

If you want to know more, why don’t you just go here? These people really know what they’re talking about: http://www.globalclimatescam.com/take-action-2/ (check out their “About” page too!) I mean, look at that kid with the flag, what are you trying to do, kill him?!? Damn scientists, that’s what you’re secret goal is, isn’t it? ISN’T IT? You’re going to take that poor child’s tiny flag, burn it, and then take his happy little saluting the American flag-hand and nail in to the cross! I don’t know how you live with yourselves, psychopaths.

And the future? Poppycock! The furthest I look into the future is my next quarterly report. I have investors to worry about, and they want to know about their upcoming dividends, not something that’s going to happen in 2050. Be realistic, why don’t you just invest in some oil and coal stock now, lay back, and watch the money roll in? I think you’re just jealous because I thought of it first.


If there’s one thing I’m most sure of in the entire world it’s that climate change has no basis in reality. And if I’m wrong? Well, at the last second, I’m sure market forces will even everything out, and I’ll come up with a way to make some cash anyway. Suckers!






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