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Jenny’s Letter

Dear Mr.Capitalism,

My name is Jennifer and I have a question about marriage.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about three years and we’ve been talking for the past few months about our futures. This weekend he’s taking me out for a fancy dinner and then out to a play I’ve wanted to see that I know he will hate. This can only mean one thing: he’s going to do the whole ‘down on one-knee’ proposal on Saturday, and I’m not sure what to do.

I love him, I really do, and I think I’m ready to commit the rest of my life to him by living together, but I’m just not sure if we should actually get married. I mean, I like the idea of having all of our friends and family together and celebrating, but I’m not sure if marriage is an institution that really means anything anymore. I kind of think it has become a patriarchal anachronism, a vestige of the past. I believe in monogamy, but a lot of my friends have been telling me about this polyamory stuff and that maybe there is more than one way to having a relationship than just two people in holy wedded matrimony.

Does marriage really make sense for a woman from either an emotional or economic standpoint? What do you think, Mr.Capitalism? Also, if Ms.Capitalism would like to take a shot at this one too, it would be much appreciated. I need to figure this out quick so that I know what to do when he’s down there on the ground and looking up at me with a ring in his hand.

I know you’ll be about to figure this one out, thanks in advance!

Jennifer.

 

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for writing in! It’s so cute of you to pretend as if you don’t know what you want. I like a “modern woman” as much as the next guy, but let’s be honest with ourselves: if there’s anything in the world that every woman can agree on, it’s that diamonds are beautiful and every one of them has dreamed since they were little girls of having a huge rock to put on their finger.

I have to tell you Jenny, you should take this chance when you get it, you never know if it’ll be your last chance! Think of the security you’ll have and how you’ll be taken care of for the rest of your life. Think of yourself twenty years down the road, a single mother in a trailer park with no man of the house, no one to dry your tears and tell you everything will be alright, and, most importantly, no gift tax exemption! (*current US law in most States allows for tax-free spousal gifts of up to $12,000 per year! What a sweet deal!)

We all know that men make more money and hold more executive positions because they work harder and are smarter, so if you get married now, you can knit or cook or whatever you do, and just lie back and watch the money roll in!

Even if you don’t want to admit it, women need men to survive in this cruel world since you just aren’t made for all the struggles of life, you’re just too damn emotional. Whether it’s God, your father or your husband, women need a strong man to lean on so they can be comforted in mind and body.

Although I clearly have made the decision for you, I should briefly discuss some of the economic benefits of marriage too (and, Jenny, you did the right thing by the way–whenever a woman is confused about something, ask a man, he’ll know what to do):

 -shared tax deductions for children

-lower average mortgage payments

-greater health care benefits for married couples

-car insurance payments drop up to 30% instantly when you tell your insurance provider that you are hitched

-credit scores increase exponentially

-loans from all economic institutions are much easier to secure

-heterosexual spouses can inherit the wealth of their deceased spouses without paying federal estate tax (don’t get any ideas though, Jenny!)

-widowed spouses, as well as those who divorced after at least 10 years of marriage, are entitled to their spouses’ Social Security benefits if they are greater than their own

Now that you know what to do Jenny, say yes when he proposes, and then do whatever he asks after that, it’ll make both of you happy in the long run!

As for your friends, don’t worry: once you get married all those spinsters won’t want to talk to you anymore, and then you can make all new friends with other married couples when your go to dinner parties and the like. Good luck little lady,

 MISTER CAPITALISM

 PS: I dug up this fine quote from MSN Money which really says it all about the joys of marriage in today’s world: “If done with care and complete understanding of each partner’s current financial situation, marriage can be beautiful for both the companionship and economic gain.”)

 

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