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Jacob’s Letter

Dear Mister Capitalism,

My name is Jacob and I am 8 and a half years old. My teacher Mr. Oglesby wants everyone in my class to write an essay about our future. I don’t know what my future will be. My mother likes you, so she told me to write you a letter to see what you would say. Kelly, that’s a girl in my class, says that you are no good and that we have to write our essays by ourselves instead of getting help from other people but I think Kelly is stupid so I am writing to you anyway. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Maybe a video game designer, maybe a vet, maybe a teacher. My Uncle Jim says I need to decide now because if I wait too long I might end up being a loser like Uncle Elton who just lies around the house all day and watches TV and thinks everything is President Obama’s fault. I kinda like Uncle Elton, he’s nice to me and talks to me about stuff, and he’s really good at Call of Duty and he tells me I can do anything that I want, like be an astronaut or eat candy until I puke. He’s the best babysitter ever and he even lets me stay up right until my parents are about to get home when we hear their cars doors slam, then I can run downstairs to my room and get in bed and pretend to sleep before they get there and they never even guess! I need to go, my mom is calling because she says I need to do my math homework and that I forgot to do the dishes after supper, but I didn’t forget I just hoped she would forget it was my turn.

Dear Jacob,

Well, one thing I can say is that you Uncle Jim is right: you should stay away from that other uncle of yours no matter what. Even though I have been known to play some Call of Duty in my day, you have to learn early on that you should never fraternize with loafers. Here are some types of people to avoid at all costs:

      1. People who call themselves artists. They’re never going to make any money and they’re all drug addicts anyway.
      2. People who have lots of conspiracy theories about the government. If you ever hear the phrase “inside job,” take my advice and run away as far and as fast as you can.
      3. Liberals.
      4. People who have more than 3 cats. I have no solid data on this phenomena, but anyone with that many felines in their vicinity is going to ask to borrow something from you at some point. There’s just no reason to be around people like that.
      5. People who go to protests or rallies.
      6. People who read too much. If it’s not on FoxNews, it’s not that important. (*note: the Sports section and the comics are fine, but no reading beyond that)
      7. Poor people. It might rub off.


To be competitive in today’s world you need to have a good understanding of the job market that you’re going to find for yourself in ten years or so. You must understand that Americans have become lazy and complacent, and when you look around your classroom, know that most of the people in there will be unemployed and on welfare one day. People in the US just aren’t willing to work as hard as people in developing countries–this is why we exported all our jobs to places where people are still open to doing an honest day’s work. I predict that in ten or twenty years this whole theory of “minimum wage” will be abolished and you’ll be fighting not just with the people in your school, but with all the people’s of the world for every job there is. And that’s great! Competition is what made this country and the world great; the sense of entitlement our young people have now is what’s bringing us down.

Jacob, your future lies in one of two places: working in a factory or directing the people who work in a factory. So, get started now! Learn how to influence people you know (even your parents) to do what you want. You have to start thinking today about your future employers and what they’re going to want from you. From now on, wake up each morning, and think to yourself, “how am I going to use today to make myself money when I’m older.” If you start this right now, you’ll be just fine when you grow up, I promise.

Hope that helps with your little essay. And if this Mr. Oglesby doesn’t like what you write, he’s probably a hippie, so appeal the grade he gives you and then, if that doesn’t work, just tell your principal that he touched you in an inappropriate manner. Even hippie principals can’t ignore that one. Remember that, Jacob: everyone is your competitor, even your superiors, so respect them but always make sure you’re trying to move up the chain and take their job.

Grade 4 is tough one, you’ll make it through, though.



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