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Hugo’s Letter

Dear Mister Capitalism,

My name is Hugo and I live in Venezuela. I also have a wordpress blog and somehow found you online. I have enjoyed what you have written so far, although sometimes I think you are too mean to the people who write to you. Maybe some more compassion would help you out, I am not sure.

I was wondering if you could talk some about how you feel about the recent election in my country. With Mr. Chavez passing away recently, there were many opinions for what would happen next with most people thinking that Mr. Maduro [editor’s note: the successor chosen by Hugo Chavez before his death] would easily beat Mr. Capriles [editor’s note: the right-wing, pro-American opposition]. However, in the end the vote was very close [editor’s note: about 500,000 in an election where over 14,000,000 votes were cast] and Mr. Maduro escaped with a narrow victory. Now, all of the sudden my country has been thrown into electoral-chaos because the voting is being challenged by the other party.

I figured you would have a unique position on the election results both because you have such an interest in the future of the Venezuelan economy, and also because your home country has dealt with this electoral chaos in the past. What do you think? Do you have any suggestion for what the people of my country should do in this difficult time?

Dear Hugo,

Your first sentence truly gave me the shivers. It was like the bogeyman had come back from the dead to haunt me! It’s like when I find myself on a business trip down in Southern Brazil, Uruguay or Argentina and everywhere I go I hear people saying “Che,” “Che,” “Che.” Every time I hear it, my heart freezes and I think, where? Where is that bastard? Has he come back again? It’s not possible! I killed him by putting him on t-shirts and mugs and belt buckles. I was relieved to hear that your name just happens to be the same as that devil who ran your country so ruthlessly these past many years. Congratulations on freeing yourself from a dictator worse than Stalin, Hitler or Jimmy Carter. Someone who was so devious that he would seek to steal the hard-earned money from American oil companies and place it into the hands of foolish locals who had no idea of high finance or how the world works. I believe that countries’ developments can be compared to that of the growth of the human being. While Latin Americans are certainly not the drooling infants that we find in Africa, they are certainly petulant teenagers always whining and protesting about every little human right violation. Now that Chavez is gone, the father of the world will hopefully be able to take control of the household once again.

As far as the election results, I am not concerned. I already have many people down there making sure to get things overturned come hell or high water. (probably high water) If not, I already have my associates in the office of Mr. Maduro to ensure that he makes things a whole lot more friendly in that country than they have been the last 14 years. This whole ‘Latin American solidarity’ stuff has to be stopped. Once Castro’s cartel dies off in the next few months, we can also restore that countries proud heritage as the playground for the American rich. Casinos, ritzy hotels, high priced prostitutes. The rich need to blow of steam too, you know, it’s not easy running the world.

But back to your country. Chavistas and their supports worldwide (aka crackpots) have been confused about the nature of that oppressive regime for some time. People have pretended that Chavez cared about the people because he aided in setting up powerful local governments, distributing food and land as never before and raising the so-called “standard of living” etc. But what they didn’t understand is that by opposing free trade, he was undercutting the concept of economic determinism everywhere. If companies are not sure that they will win a given contract by offering the lowest possible total cost, then what is the world coming to? Opening the borders of the third world to foreign companies was the major economic driving force in the late 19th and 20th centuries, and we have all seen how that has worked out: fucking great! There are more billionaires than ever before, more giant corporations merging together and at a faster rate than previously, and governments power has clearly become secondary to the businesses that actually run their respective countries. All you negative-Nancys have probably come up with some reasons why this is bad, but I refuse to listen, my hands are over my ears (LA LA LA LA LA LA!) Forward, ho!

Once we make sure this illegal Chavista government gets thrown out over a technicality of some sort (we’re working on it, I just don’t have the details yet) we can add Venezuela back into the fold. And you, Hugo, and all the other Hugos out there, can bask in the fruits of my labor. Hey, perhaps even one day I’ll see you, hopefully in some beautiful resort alongside your gorgeous beaches—you can serve me a drink in your newly created job! I’ll have a Cuba libre, heavy on the rum.

MISTER CAPITALISM.

P.S. Oh yeah, you mentioned the electoral chaos in my country? I don’t remember that. Do you mean the American Idol scandal?

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