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Danny’s Letter

Dear Mr.Capitalism,

My name is Danny and I am concerned about the recent aggressions that Israel has undertaken in Syria. I fully support Israel’s right to defend itself from outside aggressors, but with so much animosity in the region, I wonder how any politician can conclude that violence will solve the problem.

Not only has Israel launched attacks in Syria, but their officials also claim that by doing so they were attempting to prevent weapons from getting into the hands of Hezbollah in Lebanon. This obviously means that, once again, the entire region is being drawn into the fight and international players are going to be forced to take sides. My main concern is for peace, because I think that the most important thing is for people to be safe and have their basic necessities met. However, there is so much hatred in the region that I find it hard to believe that one day everyone will be able to put down their arms and agree that killing is not the answer.

I was wondering if you have any ideas during this sobering time of how we, as an international community, can get together to resolve this terrible ongoing tragedy.

Thank you for your time,

D.S. Christianson

Dear Danny,

You know, I think you have gotten very close to the heart of the matter when you say that the most important thing for people in the Middle East is for them to be safe and healthy. However, you have forgotten one thing that is even more important to the region and the world at large: tourism!

My solution, which I have put forth at innumerable UN meetings, peace conferences and what have you, is to turn Israel and neighbouring countries/territories into one giant theme park so everyone in the world can share in the joy of the birthplace of modern religion!

I mean, think about it. Right now Israel is missing out by not marketing to every demographic in the world! Sure lots of religious folks (mainly Jews, but thousands of others) come the country every year, but what about the atheists? What about the families of four who just want to kick back, relax, go on a water slide, have a hot dog and spend their hard earned money on frivolities! This is not to mention Muslims who as we all know, love to travel. Hundreds of thousands go to Mecca every year, but why fight the crowds when you can come to Israel? . . . we can call it “Haj 2: the Reckoning.”

Listen to some of the ideas I’ve come up with already, and keep in mind I’m just spit-balling here, so we can work on these later:

  • the Western Wall climb! Right now people just come and pray at the wall. Can you say bo-ring? Let’s put some toe-holds on that sucker and have people race to the top; we could even have competitions by religion to see who can be “king of the wall” for the day!

  • Dome of the Rock roller derby! What better way to get the kiddies off the couch and work those abs than roller skating under the big top! All we’d have to do is gut the inside, put up and disco ball and viola, instant par-tay!

  • Fortress of Masada zip-line! As any one who has climbed up this monolith knows, it’s hot and sweaty and pretty snooze-inducing in the middle of the desert. Why not jazz things up by building a road that goes to the top? Then, on the other side, you can zoom down on a thrilling, super-speedy zip-line!

  • Tomb of Jesus Haunted House! Right now all we have in Jerusalem is these silly tombs that no one knows what the heck is inside . . . let’s work with it! Open them up, throw out the dust and fill the tombs with animatronic Christ, Muhammad, Moses, Anne Frank, whoever! It gives me the chills just thinking of having Nebuchadnezzar jump out of a coffin and yell “Boo!”

 I’ve got a million of them, believe me. If we can just get all the Middle Eastern governments on board, then I think we have a gold mine on our hands!

One little thing though Danny. You mentioned something about “laying down their arms.” Let’s not go too far. Even if we manage to create a stable enough peace to build this religious Disneyland, we have to make sure we can still sell everyone guns and bombs and tanks . . . you know, just in case.

MISTER CAPITALISM

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