Rodney’s Post

Dear Mr.Capitalism,

This is Rodney here and I would like to make a complaint. A complaint about America and a complaint about honor and a complaint about decency and a complaint about patriotism. Mostly what I want to complain about is that damn Obama, his military budget cuts and how it affects me: I live in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania and they’ve got rid of my Armed Forces Day festivities. This is absolutely a top 50 yearly outdoor-drunken opportunity that I’m missing out on here!!!

Sometimes you hear about stuff on the news like this military sequestration, but when it really hits home you can see how that Communist and his cabal can hurt regular Americans across this land. The third Saturday of May is sacred for me so I can show much I love this country by going to the local base, saluting the flag, setting up a bunch of lawn chairs and a blanket, cook meat on a grill out of the back of my SUV, and get absolutely trashed. What better way to show the rest of the world that they can’t mess with this great nations of ours?

The core of the US of A is its military, and without it we are nothing. I support our troops, but obviously our joke of a president doesn’t share the same sentiment. Too bad our generals are too patriotic to do what they really should: take the White House back by force and restore the nation to people who care about the regular Joes who fight all over the world. Do something Mr.Capitalism!

Rod.

Dear Rod,

You are a true patriot and I am proud to call myself American when there are people like you around. By spending all your disposable income on beer and guns, you’re keeping the economy humming like never before—if every American (especially children) took the same initiative, then China wouldn’t stand a chance.

You know, I heard Obama speak on the sequestration the other day

and he keeps focusing on how we spend eleven dollars on the armed forces for every one dollar we spend on education. This might seem unfair to our kids, but the truth of the matter is that bombs are just more expensive than pencils and paper—you have to have priorities. In 2011 we spent $711 billion on the military, which was more than the next 13 countries combined, and every penny of it was well spent.

I’ve also heard complaints from people who clearly aren’t the patriots that Rodney here is, that the reason for the roll back in spending is that the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are winding down. The problem with this logic is that, once we are faced with another threat like those looming in North Korea or Syria or Libya or Grenada, (you gotta watch out for this island, you never know when we’ll have to re-invade) we won’t have the man-power or weaponry to fight back effectively. Maybe the president doesn’t know it, but we are still at war with terrorism and the only way to solve the problem is to out-spend everyone by a mile. It’s the American way!

Don’t worry, Rodney, I’m on top of it: I guarantee we’ll have someone in power next time that will know that cutting the military budget is no solution. For now, stage your own rogue-Armed Forces Day celebration this Saturday by raising the biggest flag you can find and burning all the pictures of that Muslim who (temporarily) has control of this great nation. I still have lots of people in good places, trust me.

MISTER CAPITALISM