Dear Mr. Capitalism –
JACK POT BABY! JACK POT! Who said God doesn’t love lawyers and agents? He has sure planted a great big kiss on the head of yours truly, Wallace J. Stone. My head is spinning after the most important news since the coming of Jackie Robinson – we have our gay athlete in the NBA and his name is Jason Collins.
I can’t go into all the details of my involvement but look closely and you’ll see my fingerprints all over this pot of gold. He is black and he is gay. The black part we all knew, the gay part we wondered. Wonder no more. AND HE IS A FREE AGENT, able to sign with any team smart enough, rich enough, brave enough to want him bad enough.
As I so cooly predicted when I last wrote you, teams are now be faced with the most important question of the age: Why didn’t _______________(insert team name) sign him? Are they afraid of gays? Are they in league with the homophobes in bars and dressing rooms?
So far I have lined up dozens of supporters – none of them bidders for his signature on the dotted line you will notice. But what is the limit to what we can ask for when you think about the crowds filling every single arena for every single basketball game in which he plays? Is half a million a game too outrageous?
Think on it – for the first time in the history of the world people will wish they were and black and gay. I am all atingle.
Dear Wallace my boy,
Good work, good work! I suspected you all along, you ol’ devil you! And such a clean cut boy too, someone who every mother across America would gladly bring home to meet their son! And he went to Stanford, is already rich beyond most people’s wildest dreams (not mine) and he’s well-spoken to boot!
The only mistake you made is that he seems a bit old for this gig, don’t you think? On top of that, something that no one wants to say right now but we all agree upon—Jason Collins really sucks at basketball. At best he’s a third-string center who was just hanging on for dear life to stay in the NBA. Nonetheless, the first openly gay player might as well be someone who wasn’t very good since he’ll get tons of media attention in any case . . . and then Wallace, you can hit them hard the next time: a superstar! Someone who people have actually heard of before the annoucement! Someone who people previously purchased the jersey of and know what they look like. It will just keep building and building!
In any case, he’s not a no one anymore! Not only a smart marketing move for the two of you, but he’s going to make big cash on his upcoming salaries alone! And if one of those teams say they don’t want him, you can always sue for discrimination! Bonus!
Cross-promotions, as we discussed last time, will be key. Since he’s going to be with a new team in any case (although he’s played for practically every franchise already!) we need to include some sort of uniform change to go along with the signing. Perhaps rainbow-jerseys or an in-arena pride parade before every game.
Jason Collins, you are a truly courageous man: you had the fortitude to stand up, realize your playing career was almost over, and you came up with a way to make more cash in your waning playing-days than you ever did for your actual basketball skill. Now that’s capitalism!